Four Words
by Trish Tavor
Summary: *Takes place after the Season 4 finale. Killian struggles to make sense of his life in the light of Storybrooke's most recent tragedy. Rating is just to be careful.


Killian lay on the deck of the Jolly Roger, looking up into the night sky sprinkled with stars. The entire universe stretched out above him, the same sky that had called to him for years.

The same sky he had been under in the Enchanted Forest, in Neverland, and now here in this world that belonged to the one he loved.

His Swan.

It was _her_ world, after all. Not his. Killian hadn't felt at home here since the moment he had arrived, but he would never have told her that. After all, he had long since decided that his true home would be wherever Emma was.

And now he no longer knew where that was.

Killian Jones had never had it easy. From the moment he had left the womb - carried by the arms of a poor peasant woman and later abandoned by his father, the only living family he had left - to being raised by his older brother, who could barely provide for the two of them, and then losing said brother after working for years for their spots in the king's navy.

The king who betrayed him.

Who took everything from him.

His mother. His father. His brother.

And finally, his hope.

Then had come Milah, the one bright spot in his feeble existence. He had known, somewhere deep inside, that it was wrong to carry on with a married woman as he had done. Killian had been a pirate, yes, but even then he had a code. And such a thing wasn't good form.

But he'd done it, because she gave him hope once again. Hope for a brighter future. Hope that perhaps who he had become was not who he was meant to be.

Before the bloody crocodile had crushed her heart, taking the remnants of Killian's own with it.

Without a heart, he was nothing. A beast who's appetite could only be sated by revenge. Which he sought, for two hundred years. Neverland became his playground, the cries of the lost boys music to his ears. He had seen through the murderous Pan from the first moment he had lain eyes on the teen, but Killian hadn't cared.

How could he, without a heart? His had been entwined with Milah's and with his family before. With them gone, he no longer felt love, the most powerful of all magic.

He was broken. Empty.

As lost as those who resided on the island, if not moreso.

And then he had met Emma Swan.

The fiery lass had proved to be a great adversary indeed, though she still didn't believe him when he told her that he'd let her win their duel.

Which was fair, because he hadn't. He'd simply told her the lie to ease his own pride, and it had worked.

Killian hadn't fallen for her all at once – not nearly. She'd been nothing more than a means to an end at one point; a far less dangerous soul than Cora. It wasn't until he had shot Belle and been handcuffed to that bloody hospital bed that he had seen her with different eyes. In the midst of what should have been a victory – what _was_ a victory – he had looked into her eyes and seen something that he hadn't seen in a long time.

Hope.

But he'd pushed it aside, afraid to open himself up again. His walls had been built up over the years, and Killian was certain that nothing would break them down.

How wrong he had been.

The pirate had attempted to stay away from the Swan girl after that, focusing solely on his revenge. And for once in his life things had seemed to be going his way. He had almost gotten it. He had almost killed the crocodile.

In fact, he had been certain that he had.

When he saw the dark one walking freely down the streets, happy as anything with the new and improved Belle, he had been broken.

Killian covered it well, but he wasn't truly anger that he felt. He was no longer so set on revenge. He was broken.

In that moment, he had realized that his entire life – all two hundred years of it – had been one failure after another. And he didn't know that he could deal with anymore.

So, when Greg and Tamara had promised to destroy Storybrooke – and Killian along with it – he had initially appreciated the idea. He would end his worthless existence, and complete his goal in the process.

But, as fate would have it, his survival instinct had kicked in, and he had lost the courage – or perhaps the cowardice – he'd had for a brief moment in time.

Seeing Emma again, having her tell him that they understood each other, it had been too much. How could she understand him, after all? The lass who seemed to have everything. The Savior of a world, a wonderful son, parents who clearly loved her.

It wasn't until he had stolen the bean and set sail that Killian had seen the truth in her words.

His walls had cracked, just a touch.

And he turned around.

From there on, Killian had been forced to view the world differently. He had never been around such people as Emma's parents – so optimistic and loving. Perhaps that was what had kept him from running his hook through Charming's heart. The man had been quite insufferable at first, until Killian had seen that it was only his misplaced love for his family that caused his actions.

Misplaced love may cause tragedy, but at least it was real.

Beyond this – and far more importantly – the pirate had begun to fall in love once again.

It had started with the kiss. And continued when he had seen that she wouldn't be an easy catch. Baelfire had thrown a wrench in his plans, but the man's death – however heartbreaking – had taken that away. Besides, they'd had more important issues to deal with at the time.

When Emma had found out that he had traded his ship for her – a decision that had been far easier than he could possibly have imagined – their fate was sealed.

With a kiss that still burned through his memories.

In that moment, he had realized that perhaps his heart had been there all along. Perhaps he had simply been too afraid to see it.

And then, as though fate was laughing at him, it was fear that caused his heart to be stolen for real.

Fear that things would change, that he would lose the woman that he had sought so hard to win.

And he had lied, made foolish decisions, attempted to blackmail the crocodile.

But Emma had forgiven him.

Of course, he could still remember her anger the night he had finally confessed the entire truth. It had been the hardest thing that Killian could remember doing, knowing that his words could cause him to lose her. Like she had almost lost him.

But he'd done it.

And after a whole day without speaking to him - the longest day Killian could remember in years – Emma had forgiven him.

Just another day in the life of Storybrooke.

So much had happened after that, most of it a whirlwind of action in Killian's mind. Until that moment, when he had met the most beautiful blonde lass in the alternate reality, and known that he had certainly seen her somewhere before.

He had died for her that night.

But she had saved him once again.

Of course, that was technically Regina. But Killian wasn't one to trifle with technicalities.

The pirate felt his eyes begin to water with unshed tears at the thought of what had happened only hours before, but he pushed them away, believing that he needed to be strong.

For her.

For Emma.

His bloody Swan had taken on the darkness, taken it into her, to save Regina. To save the town.

To save him.

She'd done that in more ways than one.

And there, in that last moment, with the cold wind whipping her hair across her face, she had said those words that his heart had been longing to hear.

 _I love you_.

He'd been too stunned to say them back, too broken in the light of losing her once again.

And now, laying on the deck of his ship, Killian wasn't sure that there was anything that he regretted more.

 _I love you too_.

Four small words. Words that he hadn't said.

Looking up to the sky, Killian finally let the tears flow. He let his broken heart shed itself and mingle with the water on the deck of his ship.

He had lost the one he loved yet again.

After a moment, Killian swiped at his face with a rough hand, and forced his gaze back on the stars. The same stars that, he hoped, Emma was looking at too.

He may have lost her, but this time, something was different.

This time, Killian had hope.

He knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Emma was alive. He had held the dagger that proved this was the case.

He knew that they would find her. After all, that was what this new family he had been adopted into did. They found each other. They always found each other.

He knew that when he found her, he would take her into his arms and kiss her in a way that he had never kissed anyone before.

But before Killian did that, he would tell her. He would say those four small words, the ones he desperately wished he could have let out earlier.

The ones he would regret not saying until the moment that his Swan finally heard them.

 _I love you too._


End file.
